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Roll your eyes at these jokes…
After all, the eyes are full of (aqueous and vitreous) humour!
We take no credit for these jokes. It is impossible to find the origins of each joke, so we cannot acknowledge the person who thought of it first. If it was you, we salute you! If it was not, then do enjoy reading on…


When it comes to choosing glasses, get professional advice. You don’t want to make a spectacle of yourself now, do you?


Osmond Gains visits the opticians and complains to the receptionist, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?”
Osmond replies, “Errm, no. Just spots.”

“Wait, I’ve lost my contact lens.”
“Ugh…I told you to keep an eye on them.”

Receptionist: Excuse me Dr. Bernstein, there’s a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Osmond.
Dr. Bernstein: Ok, thanks. What does he call the other eye?

A woman walks into her opticians to return a pair of glasses that she purchased for her husband a week before. The assistant asks, “What seems to be the problem, Madam?” The woman replies, “I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”

fishWhat do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.

“Hey Dr. Bernstein, I get a stabbing pain in my eye every time I have a cup of coffee.”
“Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup, Osmond?”

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What did one eye say to the other eye? “Something smells between us.”

Osmond Gains called in to work to advise he won’t be going in because he had an eye problem. He said, “I can’t see myself coming in today.”

Three blind mice…should’ve had their eyes tested regularly.

Osmond Gains rang the opticians for advice regarding his new smartphone: “I’ve lost all my contacts; can I get some off you?”

Why are eye doctors so smart? Because they were good pupils. (Yes, that was definitely written for!)


Osmond Gains had lived a long and fulfilling life, which was drawing to it’s end. As family surrounded him on his deathbed, he asked to see his optometrist.
“Optometrist?” they asked. “Why in the world do you want to see your optometrist?”
“Just get him for me.”
So they got Dr. Bernstein, who, on seeing Osmond about to depart this life,  asked, “Osmond, it pains me to see you like this. What can I possibly do  for you?”
Osmond opened his eyes slightly and asked, “Doc, before I go, there’s one thing I have to know. You’ve got to tell me, which one was clearer – 1 or 2?” 

Keep on sm-eye-ling!

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